After a very long hiatus, I'm taking a different tact.  Here and there I've had the thought that I would write about the events in my life and what I was learning from them.  For several reasons, I hesitated...some of what I've experience is heavy stuff and I was deeply affected by it.  Today, I was inspired (guided?) to finally start adding actual blog entries other than gratitude lists.  I have struggled over the last three years to maintain the practice of gratitude.  Largely, I have failed ~ gratitude became an intellectual exercise devoid of true feeling.

Though it may seem like it, there isn't any self-recrimination in that statement.  I don't know that it was possible to hold onto the deep meaning and positive energy that gratitude once held for me.  Some of what occurred in my life caused an experience of traumatic loss - which is akin to post traumatic stress.  The  brain's chemistry hijacks the body and everything is felt through a sort of haze, a semi-permanent fog.  Positive emotions like love, and joy are dampened, it's as if everything is surrounded by cotton.  The only sharp, clear feelings are fear, anger and anguish.  So, it makes sense that the enthusiasm and happiness I felt in the past when I connected with gratitude felt like an echo of a memory - not immediate, distinct, or available to me.

This is why I have avoided writing deeply thus far.  For quite some time my life was permeated by a sense of hopelessness.  The idea of writing meant diving into the sense of despair and lingering in it long enough to articulate my awareness-es and feelings. I couldn't afford to do that.  I don't have words to adequately describe the imperative of moving forward except, perhaps to say that my survival depended on it.  Failing wasn't an option, giving up wasn't an option, and I knew better than to dive in deep water when I was having trouble just staying afloat. I had to continue to work toward the goals I had created before my life was turned upside down.  I was determined that everything I'd been through was not going to define my future.

So, all that being said, I don't know that I will actually end up writing here.  I do know that expressing myself through this medium is one of life's joys and Joy is slowly returning.  And though I'm still a bit hesitant, so are the other encouraging feelings like affection, playfulness, anticipation.  The sting of the last few years is fading and I am beginning to reach for those things that bring me joy.  I am writing in anticipation that it will move me further along the path of healing.  That, in doing so I will recover pieces of myself.  Most importantly, I am working to recover my sense of hopefulness - I really miss it.